Don’t know if this is even necessary but…. I wanted to be honest about my feelings.
I felt a little hurt after we spoke. I know it was super early and you said you were headed to work but our very brief conversation made me feel like a bother. Unwanted…. and I just couldn’t shake the feeling. I don’t know what we are… or if a label is even necessary.
But one of the things I have to fix in my life is trying to put a stop to idolizing…. well, marriage tbh and thereby, forcing relationships that aren’t mutually beneficial/mutually wanted.
I don’t know who I am to you. But part of me is telling me to back off because you’re just not that interested… or that you have other things on your mind or maybe now is just not the time for us.
I enjoy our conversations and I like you. I just feel like I may need to adjust my expectations so I wanted to share this with you.
I typed this text to send but once I got to the end…. I couldn’t hit send. A small voice asked me, “but have you prayed about it… have you asked for direction and clarity in this?”
It shook me.
Because I knew the answer was no. For months, I had carried this out the way I wanted it to go…even when it made no sense. Fantasizing about what could be? YES. But stopping to pray and ask for God’s perspective and guidance? OH NO. And if I’m being honest…due to the feelings of confusion I had about what was happening between me and my guy, I knew things were wrong. I know the Word says that God is not a God of confusion…and this means that if you’re doing something but can’t have peace in it, it most likely, almost certainly…. is not OF GOD.
I admit, sometimes it hard to truly know and give credit when the Holy Spirit is working in my life but I KNOW it had to be the Holy Spirit that was carrying me through this moment. So, instead of sending something through text out of hurt, I cried out to God….
because.
I was reminded that during Sunday service and Holy Communion, one of the things I left at the altar was my obsession with marriage/desires to be in a relationship. It broke me. I cried at that altar because I knew what I had become…. not something terrible. But I knew that I had been entertaining things that were not for me. Out of boredom, out of desperation, out of loneliness. And that doesn’t make me a bad person, but it does mean that in those moments, I begin leaving room for the enemy to use my feelings against me.
that doesn’t make me a bad person, but it does mean that in those moments, I begin leaving room for the enemy to use my feelings against me.
T. Harris
Idoltary can take the form of many things but simply put….idols are anything of this world that we glorify and place above God. These things tend to pull us out of the Will of God… they distracts us from forming a relationship with Him and therefore could be seen as an idol. This could be a relationship, friendship, job, you name it.
I had to let it all go, I knew it and it hurt.
I know it and it hurts.
–T. Harris
…. pause… insert cutting out part of my 2021 vision board and burning it… tears
through the entire thing.
But in cutting out that piece of the vision, I realized I hadn’t taken the time to reflect on the part of the vision that has already come to be! When I was burning that part of the glitter poster board, I did so not expecting that it would never happen for me. I did so because it symbolized relinquishing control and giving it back to the one who it belongs to…. GOD!
I couldn’t worry about what that blank spot on the wall would look like, or what/how I would explain it to people when they saw it and asked about it. In fact, I had to expect that they would….and be ready to confidently share this experience. When I was burning that idol, I did so in expectancy because I knew God would make beauty from ashes. I couldn’t help but praise him for the moment. And for being thankful that I was in a place where I could make this happen right here and right now.
On Sunday, I cried out at that altar. Though it was done subtly and quietly, I confessed this obsession to the Lord and he began to stir up some things in me. That was at the altar…some five days ago… but last night in my home… I felt THIS experience free me. And I was so thankful that God was dealing with me in the moment…
And so, my almost sent text was yet another reminder that I had to internalize some things…work on some things within myself. It’s not that the guy had to do anything. What he does or doesn’t do needs to be out of his own conviction… and maybe he does, idk. But as for me, I had and HAVE (in reflection and in current practices) to take my energies and focus them in the right place. Why was I expecting so much from him (the guy) when I hadn’t consulted with HIM (God) about whether this was even meant for me.
All I know is when you desire to change… and confess that desire to the One who can see you through it all…. things start to shift. What do you desire to change? What idol or idols do you need to burn or let go in your life? Be honest with yourself so that the Holy Spirit can help reveal those things to you. Have courage and discipline to let those things go, Be free!
I titled this Freedom Part 1 because I wanted it to allow room for freedom to come in other areas of my life. Honestly, I don’t know if there will even be a a Part 2 but maybe there will be several more to come. Idk, I’m still working on some things…God’s not done yet!
That’s my truth for now. I hope this bit of truth helps you in some way. Be back a bit later.
My Truth and Honor 